Ugh ! why do I have to attend baby’s shower?

The thought of seeing a baby, the joy in others, to be reminded of what I couldn’t.. kills me.

I spend 45 mins on a Sunday afternoon in tears.. why do I have to go? I am super happy for her but at the same time, its upsetting for me. I have been quite emo on and off, shit mornings / days to get through.

There are a lot of things I can do, endless possibilities but recently I found out that I have a major flaw..something that I couldnnt. I want to be in control but its not up to me. A lot of people have told me, pregnancy will happen to me someday..

Hope. Scary shit.

I can’t decide.. will I be better off knowing that I cant give birth or to hold on to hope only to be disappointed again.

I have changed coz of endometriosis. I always have a short temper but since receiving the injection, I have learn to control my temper, learn to ask others to gimme 5, to allow the hot flush to happen, to sweat it out and try to control my mood. I have also learn to cherish life, to do whatever I want to do, places to go, things to see and hang out with people that I want to. I still have nightmares about surgery and injections..

I only want one simple thing.. to go for a holiday, I am not like those characters in my book who are brave enough to face their monster. I am not strong enough, yet. I just want to run away from it all. Maybe, after the final injection.

Lets see.

– G